I really want to know you

I heard this song last thursday - Know you by Nicole Nordeman.  I have enjoyed this song many times but it hit me hard last Thursday.  It was like God reached down and said "listen.  This is what I want to tell you today."  If you read the lyrics to this song, these are the words that spoke to me then as I was still so wiped out and discouraged hiding behind my shell.  

"And I, I really want to know You 
I want to make each day 
A different way that I can show You how 
I really want to love You "

I really felt at that moment a clear sense of EACH day, each thing we do can and should only be about loving Jesus.    Usually, my intent is good but I tend to not have the best follow through.  I intend to run in the morning, yet this morning, I woke up and couldn't find my headphones for my iPod.  So i wasted time looking and now it's too late.  I have to be back before dh leaves for work so I can't run.  Did I accomplish anything by my good intent?  NO!   

Lately, I have become very discouraged by some of the things I've been going through on a personal nature.  Not a big huge crisis but I've become afraid to be myself.  I have been hiding behind a mask of indecision and bouncing back and forth like a pendulum because I don't want to be "the bad guy."  Am I accomplishing anything by hiding behind the weight of my discouragement?  NO.

In Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World , the author says this 

"Discouragement breaks down our perspective and our defenses. Though we mayhave just completed great things from God, weary discouragement tells us we're useless, hopeless, and abandoned."  And a page or so later "Go to the Lord and let him sweep away your discouragement."  As my friend pointed out "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind and."  Dr. Seuss 

I find it absolutely fascinating that just  two weeks ago I was posting on Skater Survivor Boy's website that I will be transparent to let Jesus shine and then a week later, I was posting here about being a turtle hiding in my shell.  I forgive myself because I know old habits die hard!

Today I will be motivated to action.  I will not be crippled with discouragement.  Instead, I will seize today and I will sing this song.  

In closing, the other words that shouted out to me but I ignored them.  They caught my eye as I found the lyrics to make this post!

"No more campin' on the porch of indecision 

No more sleepin' under stars of apathy"