Monday, May 18, 2009

4 years! (5/18/9

I can't believe that 4 years ago yesterday, Luke entered into "early remission". Really, this just means there was no visible leukemia in his blood so they could continue to treat him as a "normal responder" compared with a rapid responder not so good. Compared with a slow responder - EXCELLENT.

Yesterday we celebrated by regaininh a bit of normalcy :) 4 years ago, we missed my brother's 8th grade graduation because Luke was hospitalized. Yesterday, we got to attend his HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION. WOWZA. He's so grown up. . . in fact, he's taller than dh who is 6'3" so that's saying something ;)

It was really awesome to be able to go into a crowd for a special event and not be paranoid :P It was amazing. This week, we have done 2 things we hadn't been able to do - a Brewer's game and a graduation. Fun, fun.

This wee

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Joy and Sorrow

9 years ago today, I became a mom.  My sweet RainbowGirl entered the world and made it a better place.  I am so filled with awe and joy.  I am grateful for her prescence in my life.  She has made me a better person.

Today, as I type this, a family from Camp Sunshine is flying home so their daughter can say goodbye to loved ones.  They flew to California to try to find a cure for their daughter.  Now they fly back so she can say goodbye.  Amber Dugan and her family has touched me so much.  From the moment I met her and saw her, her strength and joy has been a blessing to me.  Their family has been such an inspiration to me.   

Ironically, another close Camp Sunshine family we love is in California.  Their son's days are also numbered and they are there so he can say goodbye to their family in California.  

As I sit here in my p.j.'s waiting for my babies to get up, I watch the rain and wonder at it all.   Childhood cancer has stolen SO much from so many we love. My heart is so heavy and I so wish I could say or do something to ease their pain.  

So while I celebrate my babies birth, I pray and mourn that Amber and David's days are ending on this earth.    The song Always by Building 429 really shouted at me yesterday as I thought and prayed for both these families. . .  and I wept.  Then I heard there will be a day by Jeremy Camp  and I felt like the Lord was nudging and reminding me that THERE WILL BE A DAY.    I leave this with you in closing as I listen to this song and it's lifting my heart.  

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more 
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, 
we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I really want to know you

I heard this song last thursday - Know you by Nicole Nordeman.  I have enjoyed this song many times but it hit me hard last Thursday.  It was like God reached down and said "listen.  This is what I want to tell you today."  If you read the lyrics to this song, these are the words that spoke to me then as I was still so wiped out and discouraged hiding behind my shell.  

"And I, I really want to know You 
I want to make each day 
A different way that I can show You how 
I really want to love You "

I really felt at that moment a clear sense of EACH day, each thing we do can and should only be about loving Jesus.    Usually, my intent is good but I tend to not have the best follow through.  I intend to run in the morning, yet this morning, I woke up and couldn't find my headphones for my iPod.  So i wasted time looking and now it's too late.  I have to be back before dh leaves for work so I can't run.  Did I accomplish anything by my good intent?  NO!   

Lately, I have become very discouraged by some of the things I've been going through on a personal nature.  Not a big huge crisis but I've become afraid to be myself.  I have been hiding behind a mask of indecision and bouncing back and forth like a pendulum because I don't want to be "the bad guy."  Am I accomplishing anything by hiding behind the weight of my discouragement?  NO.

In Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World , the author says this 

"Discouragement breaks down our perspective and our defenses. Though we mayhave just completed great things from God, weary discouragement tells us we're useless, hopeless, and abandoned."  And a page or so later "Go to the Lord and let him sweep away your discouragement."  As my friend pointed out "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind and."  Dr. Seuss 

I find it absolutely fascinating that just  two weeks ago I was posting on Skater Survivor Boy's website that I will be transparent to let Jesus shine and then a week later, I was posting here about being a turtle hiding in my shell.  I forgive myself because I know old habits die hard!

Today I will be motivated to action.  I will not be crippled with discouragement.  Instead, I will seize today and I will sing this song.  

In closing, the other words that shouted out to me but I ignored them.  They caught my eye as I found the lyrics to make this post!

"No more campin' on the porch of indecision 
No more sleepin' under stars of apathy"