Content (6/28/9

Lately, I feel particularly content. Being a restless person at heart, this isn't a state of being I enjoy very often and so it's a bit odd and almost uncomfortable as much as I feel "settled". A few weeks ago, I was in constant rebellion over our busy summer schedule and stressed like you can barely imagine. I was not wanting to do it. I felt most of it had been imposed upon me (speech, chiropractor and physical therapy) and many was I crabby about it. Outwardly, I just kept plugging along trying to keep up with it and make the most of it but my heart wasn't in it. My heart was in a total state of rebellion. I am not sure when it changed, when I realized I was only making myself miserable and it certainly wasn't helping. Maybe when our vacation began to get close? or maybe when I realized how childish it was to have these feelings.

While I still feel a bit harried and out of sync, mostly I feel calm and content. I am not stressed about the every day sometimes twice a day doctors appointments for either me, one of my children or both my children. I just do it.

It made me think about the Christian walk and how we grumble as we go through pain and sufferen

4 years! (5/18/9

I can't believe that 4 years ago yesterday, Luke entered into "early remission". Really, this just means there was no visible leukemia in his blood so they could continue to treat him as a "normal responder" compared with a rapid responder not so good. Compared with a slow responder - EXCELLENT.

Yesterday we celebrated by regaininh a bit of normalcy :) 4 years ago, we missed my brother's 8th grade graduation because Luke was hospitalized. Yesterday, we got to attend his HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION. WOWZA. He's so grown up. . . in fact, he's taller than dh who is 6'3" so that's saying something ;)

It was really awesome to be able to go into a crowd for a special event and not be paranoid :P It was amazing. This week, we have done 2 things we hadn't been able to do - a Brewer's game and a graduation. Fun, fun.

This wee

Joy and Sorrow

9 years ago today, I became a mom.  My sweet RainbowGirl entered the world and made it a better place.  I am so filled with awe and joy.  I am grateful for her prescence in my life.  She has made me a better person.

Today, as I type this, a family from Camp Sunshine is flying home so their daughter can say goodbye to loved ones.  They flew to California to try to find a cure for their daughter.  Now they fly back so she can say goodbye.  Amber Dugan and her family has touched me so much.  From the moment I met her and saw her, her strength and joy has been a blessing to me.  Their family has been such an inspiration to me.   

Ironically, another close Camp Sunshine family we love is in California.  Their son's days are also numbered and they are there so he can say goodbye to their family in California.  

As I sit here in my p.j.'s waiting for my babies to get up, I watch the rain and wonder at it all.   Childhood cancer has stolen SO much from so many we love. My heart is so heavy and I so wish I could say or do something to ease their pain.  

So while I celebrate my babies birth, I pray and mourn that Amber and David's days are ending on this earth.    The song Always by Building 429 really shouted at me yesterday as I thought and prayed for both these families. . .  and I wept.  Then I heard there will be a day by Jeremy Camp  and I felt like the Lord was nudging and reminding me that THERE WILL BE A DAY.    I leave this with you in closing as I listen to this song and it's lifting my heart.  

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more 
fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, 
we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I really want to know you

I heard this song last thursday - Know you by Nicole Nordeman.  I have enjoyed this song many times but it hit me hard last Thursday.  It was like God reached down and said "listen.  This is what I want to tell you today."  If you read the lyrics to this song, these are the words that spoke to me then as I was still so wiped out and discouraged hiding behind my shell.  

"And I, I really want to know You 
I want to make each day 
A different way that I can show You how 
I really want to love You "

I really felt at that moment a clear sense of EACH day, each thing we do can and should only be about loving Jesus.    Usually, my intent is good but I tend to not have the best follow through.  I intend to run in the morning, yet this morning, I woke up and couldn't find my headphones for my iPod.  So i wasted time looking and now it's too late.  I have to be back before dh leaves for work so I can't run.  Did I accomplish anything by my good intent?  NO!   

Lately, I have become very discouraged by some of the things I've been going through on a personal nature.  Not a big huge crisis but I've become afraid to be myself.  I have been hiding behind a mask of indecision and bouncing back and forth like a pendulum because I don't want to be "the bad guy."  Am I accomplishing anything by hiding behind the weight of my discouragement?  NO.

In Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World , the author says this 

"Discouragement breaks down our perspective and our defenses. Though we mayhave just completed great things from God, weary discouragement tells us we're useless, hopeless, and abandoned."  And a page or so later "Go to the Lord and let him sweep away your discouragement."  As my friend pointed out "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind and."  Dr. Seuss 

I find it absolutely fascinating that just  two weeks ago I was posting on Skater Survivor Boy's website that I will be transparent to let Jesus shine and then a week later, I was posting here about being a turtle hiding in my shell.  I forgive myself because I know old habits die hard!

Today I will be motivated to action.  I will not be crippled with discouragement.  Instead, I will seize today and I will sing this song.  

In closing, the other words that shouted out to me but I ignored them.  They caught my eye as I found the lyrics to make this post!

"No more campin' on the porch of indecision 

No more sleepin' under stars of apathy"

I've joined the twilight craze (4/30/9

I joined the twilight craze. I read Twilight about a month ago and requested New Moon from the library. Well, I ran out of patience in waiting and am no where near the top of the hold list so I spontaneously purchased the book at Target. I stayed up all night on Monday night reading it. By Tuesday afternoon, I had purchased the rest of the series on amazon.com I have been stalking my account waiting patiently and it shipped today.

WOOHOO!

What do turtles and masks have in common?

I once had a very close friend who gave me a turtle necklace and told me "You are like a turtle.  Soft on the inside, tough on the outside."  That friend was absolutely correct.  I hide behind my shell.  Often I think of it as a mask.   We can put on our happy face and hide behind a mask at any time.

So often, I hide my true feelings from the world.  I put on my happy face and act as if all is right in the world.  Typically, that is when I appear to most people to be tremendously high strung and scattered because I am working so hard to be cheerful that I can barely function or cope.  I chatter and ramble and giggle and jump from subject to subject.  Then, when the mask falls off, I am so physically exhausted, I can barely manage.  

That is how I feel right now. I faked it today and now I am drained.  Physically, mentally and emotionally.   I can't even say more about this I am so tired.  

Runners - are you a Mary or Martha?

As I lay out my running clothes for the morning, I thought. . . runners . . . we're all runners.  We're all running the human race.  We all get the same amount of time each day.  Sixty seconds a minute, sixty minutes an hour, twenty four hours a day, three hundred sixty five minutes a year.  How are you using your time?

Are you sitting at Jesus feet or are you rushing around doing His work? 

My friend and I are studying the Book Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, and I am convicted.  After sitting at Jesus feet, we become equipped to do His work.  But what do I do?  I just rush out and do the work.  That's who I am - Jodi, the impulsive.  I am always in a hurry and I figit almost constantly.  So many times, I imagine Jesus is beckoning me but my nose is to the grindstone and I don't even notice.   I want to slow down.  One of the ways I am going to slow down is by USING my planner.  Using my todo list.  When my brain starts to spin, I am going to WRITE IT DOWN and FORGET IT.   

I want so badly to spent plenty of time sitting at Jesus feet and soaking in HIS presence.  Resting in His glory, casting my burdens upon Him. Unfortunately, many mornings lately, the time I spend with my Bible and in prayer is just something to check off and say "I did it"-- I read the Bible and prayed today.     I am going to make a conscious effort to have a Mary Heart!